Death as we know it

The girl was sobbing uncontrollably. She showed up at my door in the middle of the night, eyes filled with tears. The night was cold, it was raining, and she was soaked to the bone. She was shivering violently, her teeth chattering, barely breathing between her sobs.
“I’m dead.I’m dead.”
“Death doesn’t know fear. You’re in shock, come on in.”
She came in, her eyes not seeing me, or the room.
“Oh, you’re wrong. Death knows fear, and it is the most unbearable kind of fear, fear with no hope.”
I went to the sink, filled a glass with water.
“Come, drink a bit of water, it should help you calm down.”
She took the glass, still shivering, but I could tell the sight of water took her mind off her fear. It was like she just realized something that almost amused her. She looked at me, still shivering a little, took the glass. I was watching her. I saw her getting the glass up, taking a sip…the water went right through her, splashing on the floor.
“Are you a ghost?” I hear myself asking. I feel nothing, neither fear, nor amazement. Not even curiosity. Actually, I am a little annoyed, today I had planned to watch a movie and go to bed early.
She didn’t answer, just looked me in the eyes. “What do YOU think you are?”
Now I am confused, annoyance rising. “What?”
“You don’t know, do you?”
“Know what?”
“When was the last time you drank something?”
Hmmm, this… Whatever IT is!… would not leave me alone.
Right, when was the last time I drank something? I drink a lot of water, last time just…when? I cannot remember. “I cannot remember.”
She offers me the glass.
I take the glass, drink, water splashes on the floor. Shit! I am probably dreaming.
“Are we both ghosts?”
“No, just me. You didn’t make it over to the other side.”
She grabs my hand, we go outside. I see myself on the concrete, lying in a puddle, full of blood.
“Oh, look at that! So, are you also inbetween?”
“No, as I told you, I am dead.”
I realize I’m cold and wet. I feel tired and want to go to sleep. “OK. See you later…or not.”

I open my eyes.

Photo by IMAdina

Advertisements

One thought on “Death as we know it

  1. I don’t understand why you’ve opened and closed speech marks in lines such as these “What do you think you are?””You think you are different?”
    I am right in thinking that it is the same person speaking am I not? You don’t need a speech mark at the end of each sentence, only at the start and the end of what the person is saying.
    I would also suggest that if this person is as distressed as your suggesting then she wouldn’t give a dam about if her teeth were chattering or not. You also don’t here many people using “I am” in conversation, the common thing to do is contract it to “I’m.” It’s only in academic works that contractions are frowned upon.
    She also seems to go from hysterical to perfectly calm ridiculously quickly without any real explanation about why.
    I know I sound incredibly critical, but I do like the piece. It has potential. You just need to tighten up your writing, for example “eyes filled with tears of fear and despair” comes across a little clichéd to me and doesn’t give me much of an indication as to what is going on. Try and think about the last time you saw some properly hysterical and try describing that as clearly as you can, cut out any metaphors or similes, just write down exactly how they looked. It’s quite a useful writing exercise.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s